Hind sight is 20/20 when it comes to motherhood. The first couple of weeks were cake, not that I knew it then. I was bored out of my mind and wanted nothing more than to get out of the house. But I had to stay home and "recover." All Liam did was eat, sleep and poop. I actually woke him up a few times because I was so mind numbingly bored and I wanted something to do. Then he hit the two week mark and life changed. He started having more awake time (like an extra hour or two a day) as well as fighting sleep. Yes, my son will be flat out exhausted and he will fight falling asleep like he will never wake up again if he gives in. I will hold, rock and bounce him for an hour until he is finally dead gone to the world, then the second I lay him down his eyes pop open and he screaming. I've considered colic and while Liam does have gassy days it is not simply that. My child just won't sleep.
I should count myself blessed though because he does sleep most nights. I do have to get up twice a night for the obligatory feedings, but then he passes right back out. But during the day is a nightmare.
I wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to go back to work in a week. I could continue to play mom extraordinaire and that would be alright. I can take it... I'm his mom. But instead I will be leaving Liam with my Mom to watch during the day. Don't get me wrong my Mom is amazing and aside from Freddie I couldn't feel any more comfortable leaving Liam with anyone else. But because my son is no small angle child who sleeps the day away and is instead and semi high needs baby, the guilt of passing him off to my Mom to deal with is added to my guilt of leaving my child.
Speaking of guilt... that's one thing you don't read about in the pregnancy books. No one tells you how much guilt follows having a baby. Suddenly I feel guilty about everything from reading while feeding Liam instead of "bonding" with him to ignoring his fussing at 3 a.m. to get an extra 5 minutes of sleep until he really starts to rev up the lungs. Yes, motherhood goes hand in hand with guilt. From the moment you find out you are pregnant and get the list of no-no foods, until the day you die, you will feel guilt over everything.
Right now I feel guilty for blogging while Liam is blessedly napping instead of doing my very large pile of laundry.
What an honest blog and it is so refreshing! I felt so many of these same things. My pediatrician assured me that, "Once they hit 6 weeks they start to have a personality and you figure you might as well keep them." :) I remember those first few weeks feeling like maybe I wasn't ready for this. I felt like the very life was getting sucked out of me. LOL I could go on but everything you are feeling is normal. It will get better and better. Keep blogging your feelings though!
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